STRANGERS is Belle Burden's non-fiction book of the shocking and abrupt end to a 20 year marriage and three children together, leaving her cold and alone at the onset of COVID in 2020. Burden's book struck a nerve with me along with millions of other readers who are probably wondering what was he {James, her husband} thinking and thinking how fortunate we are the bell didn't ring for me or thee. It's a clarion call of what not to do to not get financially screwed by your spouse. Burden tells the reader why she unburdened her heartbreak maintaining it was not as revenge. "I'd wanted James to understand what happened after he left, to see the impact, to see me. But isn't that different from revenge?" Was she airing her dirty laundry? Yes, and rightfully so as it's her's air out. I related to the situation she put herself into (for the most part.). We had no need for a prenup agreement as neither of us were bringing any money or property into the marriage aside from our incomes. Burden's family lineage is one of notoriety and high society as her beloved maternal grandmother Babe Paley was a wealthy, well-known New York socialite. Prior to her wedding, Burden failed to heed the advice of her attorney and it proved to be a financial travesty. Despite being an attorney, Burden succumbed to James requests at the behest of her best interests and legal advice. "I put both our names on the deeds. I chose not to be involved in our financial life. " What makes this open book divorce so authentic and empathetic is her graceful navigation of this excruciatingly painful period with a sensibility many of us share. "I failed to think about what would happen if our marriage ended...I was agreeing to all of it, trusting my husband. I did it for love. There is nothing shameful about that." The shared joyful parenting events became gut wrenchingly distressful as the longing to be connected had not abated and the close proximity was very uncomfortable. Many of us in long relationships take comfort in delegating responsibilities we'd rather not take. Burden spoke for me and probably a lot of partners when she stated, "I was spared, for a time, handling it all myself, having to understand it, having to face the reality of my financial life." There's also the shared epiphany, "I could see that the cost for feeling safe was being controlled. They were two sides of the same coin-protection and control." It's not accurate to say Burden was just airing her dirty laundry. I was moved by the loving picture she painted of their courtship, marriage and life together. This caused me ache for the love she had that was gone. Following Burden's rebuilding of her life, her strength from despair to self-reliance, her gratitude for her three children and for her future was a poignant journey I'm glad to have held. "I had to shift, again, in my understanding of the man I'd been married to. He was not a benign stranger wandering out of my life. He was an adversary." Belle Burden was no stranger to immense emotional distress but and no stranger to resilience, wonder and new found fulfillment.
Thursday, May 14, 2026
IF it HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS-What Happens that Makes Adopting so Arduous?
Emily Baglien, TV producer, adoptee and adoption advocate, does not have advice for new parents (except for others to stop offering advice to soon-to-be parents). She does have her own inimitable journal on the six months+, patience testing process intrinsic with adoption. Firstly, let me offer my appreciation and admiration to Emily and her husband, Tim and all those who adopt, foster or provide social services for children and adults enmeshed in the trials and tribulations of adopting. Let me take a measured step back and address a lot of the frustrating, red-tape hoops and waiting game involved in bringing a child into their forever home. Emily, herself an adoptee at two months, has the loving support of her mom and her birth mom to whom she leaned on for support during the numerous times she and Tim were throttled in their dedicated pursuit to adopt an infant, Orsett; a name they sagaciously changed to Theodore. This brings up one of my main questions to the childless couple. Why was little mention made of any communication between Tim and the "troubled" birth father. The birth father is Tim's brother. The birth father is now the uncle and the uncle/aunt are now his parents. (Tim did say he didn't like his brother who had fathered five other children.) I'm curious if there was any direct communication between Tim and this brother at any point. Why didn't the offer to foster come earlier (closer to "Teddy's" birth) to subvert the baby from being fostered by a non-family related couple which also belabored the already lengthy adoption process? My second question for Emily is simply why she and Tim became so determined to adopt when it seemed the possibility of conceiving their own child was viable. I ask this because adoption is an ultimate, selfless, life long commitment. Learning why some individuals choose this route I feel is warranted. Getting back to Emily's candid, warm-hearted, jovial journal, I commend her for sharing she her thoughts and experiences for what they went through and for writing such a delightful and insightful account of their experiences intwined in the social service system overseeing children's welfares prior to formalizing an adoption. It's reassuring to know there are numerous safety and welfare checks that must be abided to help insure the safety of infants/children in need of caring families. Still, it's distressing to realize that the system is so overblown it keeps children and those wanting to provide homes for them embroiled in a waiting game that is shameful. Getting to know Emily through her journal I believe "Teddy", Tim and Emily are the family that was meant to happen. I recommend Emily Bagalien's "If it Happens, it Happens" for anyone who is thinking of adopting, knows someone who is adopting a child, or anyone that has a family - i.e. this is for everyone. To paraphrase Teddy's mom, "I'm guiding this mission, not just as a producer, a coordinator, or an adoptee. I'm at the helm of this rock as a mom." You've got this EMILY! You rock!